Welcome Back - The First Date's Response
- Jun 10, 2015
- 3 min read
So, I finally went on my next first date and here’s what the guy had to say about it.
"If I hear one more girl claim to be ‘fluent in sarcasm’ I’m going to vomit.
So she did it. She hit submit. Satisfied with her ‘craftily’ created answers to the various questions the robots use to find you matches, she patiently waited for the chiseled jaw lines, well-traveled, well versed, and well-intentioned gentlemen with interesting stories and kind smiles to take a number and get in line to make her laugh, impress her, and hopefully make out with her.
Then she got two straight weeks of the conversational equivalent of “I want to put my dick in you.”
Was she naive? Maybe. But this naivety is way more widespread than anyone admits and it is EXACTLY what guys think it’s like for girls to date online. Or to date anywhere for that matter. You change your Facebook status to ‘Single.’ You fire up Tinder. You start answering questions in ways you hope appeals to the modern masculine professionals you’re after, (but if I hear one more girl claim to be “fluent in sarcasm” I’m going to vomit), and you let the floodgates open.
We have absolutely no frame of reference for how different online dating is for girls. I’ve had female friends send me screenshots of some of the abhorrent things guys do and say. I’m sure part of it is the anonymity (as Michele pointed out, I put my real name in my username, and I’m highly ‘googleable’. I have no issues with transparency). But I’m sure another part of it is resentment stemming from the misconception I mentioned above about dating being more like constantly swatting away at suitors vying for your hand. “WAHH EVERY GUY ON EARTH WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME LIFE IS SO HARD!”
But for the life of me, I can’t process how guys go from trying to make her laugh, impress her, and make out with her, to flipping when she doesn’t write back or politely declines his advances and turning to “WELL FUCK YOU SLUT. YOU’RE DISGUSTING ANYWAY.”
They can’t be hoping to change her mind. Maybe there’s a deranged, immature satisfaction in having the last word and screaming it into the gaping maw of the internet. Personally, I can’t relate. Online dating is like job hunting. You have to TRY, and CARE, and INVEST but you also have to NOT try, NOT care, and NOT invest anything. You can’t live and die with each message.
So when I asked out your Rules of Ungagement Blogger Michele, I had absolutely nothing at stake. I wasn’t newly single, I hadn’t forgotten how to date, and online dating was fun. I actually was fully aware she was recently “ungaged”- (I have Google too, and those wedding registry sites share your personal info all over the place making it hard to erase your tracks). Did I care? Nope. Did she mention it? Nope. Do I care now? Nope. My particular brand of humility (none) and self-awareness (lots) mean I’m rarely nervous, especially with nothing to lose. So we had a very impromptu date that she was (apparently) slightly underprepared for! In my family, we call this “forcing it.” We do it a lot, but there are a millions reasons not to do something, and sometimes you just have to force it. Sometimes I force it to see how you’ll respond. I respected Michele for stepping up!
The stakes weren’t nearly as high as she thought. She neither entered the bar in slow motion with windblown hair and doves around her, nor pulling her limp leg behind her picking banana peels and newspaper out of her hair (that’s how I imagine a girl defines “hot mess”). She came in, sat down, and we laughed for a few hours. First dates are the easiest thing in the world. If your first date bombs, it’s because one of you doesn’t want to be there. That’s it. If you’re both even a little bit excited (and you should only be a LITTLE bit excited – remember, try but don’t try, care but don’t care, etc), you have, literally, endless things to learn about each other and to talk about.
I’m curious what in the world made her think she “blew that date.” It was a happy hour, afternoon, two beer meet and greet- not a live interview with the President. What could go wrong? We had fun, and quickly planned date #2- dinner and drinks. Michele is funny and a total babe (just like me). If you’re wondering why we’re not dating now, you’ll have to ask her why she never texted me back!
~Tom
(Did he just call me out on my shit?? He did, didn’t he… damn.)
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