Real Fears After A Breakup (and how to get over them!)
- Dec 16, 2015
- 5 min read
It’s time for a little tough love about breakups, fears, and how to get over them.
This is about to get real.
Breakups suck… a lot. Look, I’ll admit it, I’m not my best after ending a relationship. I feel insecure, I get scared, I have outlandish irrational worries that normally only ever come out when I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy (seriously, Thursday night is usually just a big ole cry-fest in my house).
But the thing is, those fears do not feel silly and irrational when you’re feeling them, even though deep down you know you’re being silly and irrational and all your friends tell you you’re being silly and irrational. Thanks, friends! I KNOW. Those fears feel very real because to you, at that very moment, they are.
It’s time to change the conversation.
Instead of brushing off those worries and saying, “Oh stop! You’re being silly!” maybe we need to take a good hard look in the mirror, give ourselves a little tough love, and get down to the business of getting over our fears. But how do we do that? Glad you asked.
They say it takes 10,000 hours of practice at something to be an expert. Well, lucky for you, I’m constantly in my head overanalyzing absolutely everything about absolutely everything, which means that I have DEFINITELY spent over 10,000 hours toiling over breakups. That makes me a qualified breakup expert, right?! (Just go with it.) So here, in my expert opinion, are the best ways to get over the very real fears you might experience after a breakup, you know, from an expert.
Real Fear #1: I don’t want to start all over.
Tough Love: Tough shit. (I wasn’t kidding when I said “tough” love.)
Oh great. Now, I’m (fill in the blank age). If I start dating someone right now this very second, we’ll have to date another two years before getting engaged, then spend about a year planning the wedding, and then at least another year before having kids. That means I’ll be (fill in the blank age +4) before I can start having children – if my lady parts haven’t closed up shop by then! [Cue some hyperventilating and a trip to the fertility doctor to make sure everything’s on the up and up.]
Sound familiar? Listen, you can’t change your age and you can’t change your past, but you can control how you approach your future. Starting over is inevitable if your life plans include getting married and having a family. But starting over also means you get another shot to get it right. Whenever I get frustrated about starting again, I think of the alternative – what would my life really be like if I was still in that last relationship and NOT the romanticized version of it? You deserve better and now you have a shiny new opportunity to go get it! And if you’re worried about approaching (fill in the blank age) and having children, go have a chat with your doctor about some options. There are lots of very healthy babies being born to very healthy mamas who are much older than (fill in the blank age).
Real Fear #2: Will I ever be able to love/trust again? Tough Love: Of course, but it will take time.
You still have an exceptionally large capacity to be generous with your love, but it’s going to be a lot harder for someone to earn your trust. Yes, you’re more cautious, more guarded, more inclined to cut and run when you get scared. However, if you find yourself starting to really like someone, be honest and open with them about being scared. If he’s any kind of awesome, he’ll make the extra effort to make you feel comfortable, and piece by piece, you’ll be ok with letting your guard down. If he runs, well then fuck ’em. He’s a pussy. Sorry. Actually, I’m not. It’s the truth.
Real Fear #3: What if it happens again?
Tough Love: You’re wiser now.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to sit my next boyfriend down at a small table in a cold room, shine a desk lamp in his eyes, and make him endure a polygraph test and some FFFBI interrogation. (FFFBI of course stands for my Female Friends and Family will Beat the crap out of you If you hurt me.) What can I say, my aunts are badass.
But you know you really don’t need all that. Time to get real again- you most likely knew things weren’t right in that last relationship well before the ish hit the fan. This time, you know what early signs to keep an eye out for, but this time, you’re not going to let yourself endure that kind of crap for longer than you should. I’m all about giving relationships some time, but I’m also about kicking that guy to the curb if he can’t hold is own in a relationship. Again, you deserve better and don’t settle for less.
Real Fear #4: Nobody will love me like he/she did. Tough Love: And you damn well better hope not!
It’s easy to romanticize your last relationship, but seriously, cut the crap. There’s a valid reason you broke up. Do you really want to be loved like that again? Look how that worked out for you last time. If you broke up with him, you had a reason. If he broke up with you, he had a reason. You do not want to be loved in a way that gives either person a reason to break off the relationship. And hey, maybe you royally messed it up. This is a good time to reflect on how you can approach things differently in future relationships and be deserving of the kind of love you want in a partnership. Let go of the kind of love you once had so that you can allow yourself to build a better love.
Real Fear #5: I’m going to be alone forever. Tough Love: Yes, you will if you don’t get your ass back out there!
If you’re anything like me, you’ve taken the story of the Three Little Pigs to a whole other level and built yourself an exceptionally sturdy wall made of bricks, iron, cement, some armed guards, and a moat. Have fun, Big Bad Wolf.
The problem with your awesome wall is that it doesn’t just keep others away from your heart, it also keeps you locked in. Look, it’s ok for you to be scared after a breakup and it’s totally ok to take your time. You’ve been hurt and you have absolutely no interest in ever feeling like that again. But if what you want is to eventually find love, develop a lasting partnership, and maybe pop out a small human or two, then you’re going to have to take the risk. Go out on a date, even if it’s just to get your feet wet again. If it’s too soon, believe me, you’ll be retreating back behind the wall before you even have time to think about not being ready to date. And that’s an important thing to be aware of. Would you want to date someone who isn’t emotionally available? Take a minute for yourself and try again.
Check out The Next First Date for a little inspiration.
Final tough love: It’s ok to be scared, take your time. Give it a try when you’re ready and be open to finding out there is plenty of love to be savored. And when you come across an undeserving asshole, give ’em a swift kick in the nuts for the rest of us!
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