5 Ways To Be Engaged When You're Not

Just because you’re not engaged doesn’t mean you’re not engaging. Here are some tips from a girl who stopped planning a wedding and started planning herself.

For those of you who don’t already know, I am very proudly Ungaged. But before I got the balls to leave, I was so ready to be wifed up. Of course, with being engaged comes a wedding. It wasn’t that I wanted a big extravagant wedding day, but I do love to decorate, I love a good party, and I love being crafty, so planning a wedding was like, the best thing ever. I was pinning the crap out of everything from color palettes to unique flowers. I tried on wedding dresses of all shapes and sizes. I had spreadsheets of venues and vendors.

Then, poof. It was gone.

Instead of cake designs and centerpieces in the corners of my mind, there was nothing. Just dark empty spaces. It’s no secret that a breakup can knock you on your ass, and it’s very easy for things like doubt, self-pity, and loneliness to creep their miserable little selves into those tiniest, darkest corners, whispering sweet nothings about our insecurities. Thank you, little voices, I am fully aware that my biological clock is ticking like this.

But, fear not, my fierce friends! I’m going to let you in on a little secret. The best way to defeat those idle thoughts is to fill them with awesomeness. Sure, you need to give yourself time to heal and allow yourself to deal with the pain, but for goodness sake, woman! Unhand the Ben & Jerry’s, put some real pants on, and turn off The Notebook! Breakups don’t end your life, they end of phase of it. But, girl, let that part die and rise from the ashes in a blaze of fabulous glory. How does one do that, you ask? By getting yourself engaged in other things, of course! (See what I did there?)

So here are 5 ways to be engaged when you're not.

1. Get inspired.

Maybe it’s because I’m a super word nerd, but each time I’ve gone through a particularly rough patch, I’ve discovered a new favorite book. Blogger confession: I’m not an avid reader. In fact, I have a hard time getting through the first handful of pages of most of the books I try to start. But there’s something about a restless mind that welcomes a good read. Check out The Date Report’s list of 13 Best Breakup Books, or hop on over to our Single Girl Book Club for new suggestions. Heck, get yourself to a *gasp* real bookstore! Pick a book with a pretty cover… or the one next to the hot guy in the sci-fi section. I’m shameless, I know. My current favorite is Christopher Moore’s Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal. Sounds strange, yes, but this book made me piss my pants and cry my eyes out.

2. Learn something.

You know what else is great for a restless mind? Expanding it. In Steve Job’s Stanford University Commencement Speech, he discusses dropping out of college and dropping in on the classes that actually interested him. The best part is, you don’t need to be a college dropout or a computer tech genius to do this. Places like General Assembly, Coursehorse, or 92Y offer tons of seminars, courses, and programs for a huge variety of interests from business tech to cooking to performance art. Or if you’re in the New York area, check out QED Astoria, who claims to be like after-school for grownups. Yes please! This is a great time to pick up a new hobby, foster your creative genius, or amp up your resume.

3. Impress yourself.

How many times have you kind of wanted to do something but you’ve been like, “No, I don’t have the time,” or “I’ll never be able to.” Well, I’m like, FUCK. THAT. You want to try a DIY project? Start building. You want to knit a scarf? Start knitting. You want to run a marathon? Start running. Believe me on this one, you have no idea what you are actually capable of until you decide to try. The world wide web is chock-full of videos and tutorials on how to do literally anything, so there are exactly zero reasons you shouldn’t start doing what you want to try. But only you can start. So start starting. Impress yourself. And then give yourself a sweet pat on the back.

4. Rock your style.

An inevitable truth of being in a relationship is that both people’s styles start to meld together. And of course they do! You spend tons of time together, you grow from each other, you learn from each other. This is why couples show up dressed the same or start using the same lingo Unfortunately, this is also why you may forgo that pair of boots you kind of love because your S.O. prefers a slightly different style. Look, it’s the truth, and there’s nothing wrong with wearing something your partner likes, but it does mean that you get to do and wear whatever you damn well please when that relationship ends. I got bangs almost immediately after my breakup, and hell yeah I rocked the shit out of them! Now, I’m not saying do a major wardrobe overhaul, being single doesn’t automatically make you a millionaire, although it’d be nice, am I right? Start with some basics and add accessories that you absolutely love that are just so you. Hop on Pinterest and stack your style board. Get a couple amazing new design pieces for your room. Heading to places like Century 21 and HomeGoods are great for adding a little spice to give you an extra umph without breaking your bank.

5. Become the best version of you.

Look, I don’t care what makes you tick, but get off your ass and go out there and do it. We always have things that hold us back, prevent us from doing what we love, and prohibit us from improving ourselves. Going through a breakup is the best time to throw those excuses out the window (along with your self-pity) and start working on you. Writing this post was inspired by a conversation I had recently with my cousin. We were talking about this blog, and my job, and my hobbies, and I said to her:

"I like who I am now better than who I was in my last relationship. I never would have found her and I’m so much more me now than I’ve ever been in my life. I love me.”

Go out there and love yourself.

#startingover #independence