10 Things That Happen When You Move Back Home

When your parents say you can move back home, they don’t tell you about the fine print, the stipulations, and the guilt trip.

"You can always move back home!"

It’s nice to have that generous safety net from your parents. You kiss them on the cheek, accept your mother’s zucchini loaf bread that she made afraid you’ll never eat again, and wave good-bye as you drive away smushed into your car with all of your belongings thinking, “I ain’t movin’ home! I’m a grown ass man now!”

But let me tell you something. It’s a phrase that rings loudly in your ears when you need to call your parents and say, “Don’t panic but I need you to come over. Bring the van.” And sure enough, before you even hang up the phone, they're ringing your doorbell. I am grateful, every. single. day. that I was able to come home and live with my mom and dad. But what they don’t tell you is that “you can always move back home” comes with a whole lot of stipulations and fine print… and a guilt trip.

1. You can always come back home… but your stuff can’t. When your older siblings moved out, they packed all their stuff into their old bedrooms, and your parents feel like the house is an absolute mess! So of course, anything that you leave out by accident, say oh I don’t know, one sock, is enough to get you kicked out. Get your stuff ready for a garage sale, because it isn’t staying here.

2. You’re on their schedule. It’s the wee early hours of a brisk morning. You wake, throw on a comfy sweater, brew yourself a nice cup of tea, and settle down at the table for a delicious egg sandwich and some quiet time. Then, your dad, who couldn’t sneak up on a deaf person, barrels downstairs, huffing and puffing, flips the TV on to some ranting news channel, hops on his exercise bike, pumps the volume, and lowers the heat. And somehow, you’re in his way.

3. There are a lot more dishes. A LOT.

I’m the queen of the one pot meal… and I’m talking one pot for breakfast, same pot for lunch, and yup, dinner goes in there too. Sometimes you’re lucky if there’s a pot involved at all. But with your parents, every meal is well balanced, colorful, and properly prepped. I was fine eating left overs out of plastic containers, but no. Now food comes out of a Tupperware, into a nice bowl, and back into a different container. That’s three dishes for a side. A SIDE!

4. You start to resent your young strong legs that can go up and down steps. “Oh, Michele. Your legs are young and strong. Can you run upstairs and get _____?” Of course, I can. And I will run back up and down the steps 872 more times today, because yes, my legs are young, and yes, they’re strong. Stupid strength training.

5. You must ALWAYS remember your towel. Your old apartment was much emptier… and smaller. If you got out of the shower and forgot your towel, you could simple make your naked way back to your room to get dressed. If you dared try that now, you’d inevitably run into not one, but two of your parents, the mailman, a neighbor, the cats, and of course all the windows would be open as you take the long trip through your house, up the stairs, and across the hall, tracking water on the wood floor the whole way, which might also get you kicked out.

6. Your phone is always blowing up… and it’s not your hot Tinder date. Your friends think you are very popular since you’re phone is always going off. Unfortunately, it’s both of your parents since they both need to know if you’ll be home for dinner, how many steaks you think they should get, and if you need anything from the store. You wonder why they don’t ask the other if they’ve contacted you since you know they’re standing right next to each other at a free sample stand in Costco.

7. Bye-bye DVR and Netflix. I read this list to my mom and she asked, “What do you mean ‘bye-bye DVR and Netflix?’ You watch movies with us!” ‘Nuff said.

8. You wish you were this good at getting out of the house in scandalous clothing when you were in high school. Girls’ Night usually requires a miniskirt and a sweet pair of heels, but trying to walk through the house like that requires a whole lot of finesse. To avoid the look that says, “My daughter is a painted woman,” don’t put the heels on until you get to the car and throw an open chambray over your tightest dress. It changes the whole look. It was never that easy when I was 16.

9. You’re now the live-in gardener, house cleaner, dog walker, snow remover, bartender, limo service, etc. It’s snowing. It will snow all morning and your boss calls you and says don’t worry about coming in to work. You turn off your alarm and snuggle back under your warm comforter when you hear your mom cursing to the high heavens from all the way on the other side of the house. Why, you might ask? Because it’s time to shovel. So long, comfy, sheets. Hello, snow boots. And no need to get a car to the airport. Michele can drive us at 5am and pick us up at midnight. Of course, I’ll skip my yoga class to vacuum the steps. Yes, I’ll make you a martini. Water your plants while you’re on vacation? You got it! Knee deep in snow or with my eyelids duct taped open as I drive, I smile and kindly acquiesce to their requests because…

10. Yeah, well, you live in their house. They always have the trump card. This is an argument you will never win, so don’t bother. But living in their house also means you get a built-in shopping buddy and endless sushi dates. You can share jewelry with your mom since you inherited her sense of style and you plan practical jokes with your dad since you share the same goofy humor. And you know you’ll always get an honest opinion on your outfits, whether you ask for it or not. You get the freedom to have a bad day without question or judgment- they already know your whole story, they were there. And mostly, you get to be reminded that not all relationships are crap, that not every man is a liar, and that a long and well seasoned love is, in fact possible.

You’ll miss them when you move out again, but hey, you could always come back… to visit.

#startingover #independence