10 Stupid Reasons I Want A Boyfriend

I’m not talking about cuddling and companionship, I’m talking about the lazy and convenient reasons I want a boyfriend.

We all know I love being single. I mean, come on, I did start a whole blog based on the very topic of loving my single life. But honestly, there are times when it would be SO MUCH easier to just have a boyfriend. Yes, it’s nice to cuddle and have a companion and even have someone to share the most intimate and romantic moments of my life with. But I am not talking about those things. I’m talking about the lazy and annoying times when having a boyfriend would make my life a whole heck of a lot easier.

Then I thought, hmm, I must not be the only single woman who loves her independence, but who would really enjoy the convenience of a male counterpart. So, I asked my friends, “Friends, what are some of the stupidest reasons you want a boyfriend?” The responses flooded in. Here’s what we came up with.

1. So that I can avoid the eye roll of the 3rd wheel. Nothing like being out with a couple, or better yet, two couples, am I right? No, I’m not. This can get slightly awkward when they start talking to only each other, but it gets even worse when the bill comes. Don’t you just love when they want to split the bill by couple, but then look over at you and roll their eyes because they now need to split it by individual? Gee guys, sorry to make you do the extra math, but I’m not paying for my invisible boyfriend who didn’t even eat anything. He’s watching his figure.

2. So I can have sex without waiting three dates or having a slutty one night stand. I want to have sex right now. RIGHT NOW! Not in a month after we’ve gone on three dates. And no, I’m not going to settle for some stranger and a one night stand. I don’t want to tutor a one-timer on all the things I like and don’t like. I just want someone who already knows, who doesn’t care if my legs are perfectly shaved, and who wants to do me RIGHT NOW. Is that too much for a girl to ask?!

3. So someone can zip me up before I leave the house instead of heading to work half dressed.

Apparently, there is an epidemic of women going to work with their dresses half open. One of my friends said she’s talked to coworkers with her dress wide open because she forgot to ask a friend at work to zip her first. Another friend said the positions into which she contorts her body trying to zip herself are truly a thing of wonder. “Hey hun, zip me please?” seems so much easier than flashing your boss or throwing out your back, don’t you think?

4. So I can guilt someone into going to awkward family functions with me. Yes, we have to go to my second cousin’s graduation, and yes we’re going to use the excuse that we need to go to your aunt’s birthday, so we’re sorry, but we have to leave early. It’s like the best teamwork, and there is no “I’m single” in “team”.

5. So I can watch Netflix with someone… and actually chill Isn’t it nice when you’re cuddled up on the couch with your guy, watching your shared favorite TV show? His arm is snug around your shoulder and you sneak in a deep inhale of his manly scent as you rest your head against his chest. Aaaaaand now he’s reaching down for second base. Hey! Wait a second! Can’t we just Netflix and literally chill? I want to know what happens at the end! I’m about to go back to renting movies old school style. I’ll call it Cock-blockbuster.

6. So I can send someone my random silly thoughts in the middle of the day.

We all have that borderline therapeutic group text with our best girl friends, but there are some random musings that only someone who really loves us would think are cute. Those thoughts shouldn’t be kept to ourselves, but lord knows we can’t share them with just anyone. And how about those sexy-time thoughts, huh? I’m not sending those to my girl squad and I’m certainly not sending them to the guy online I haven’t even met yet.

7. So I can have a live-in person to scratch my back or play with my hair. I must look like a bear rubbing up on all my door frames when I’m itchy, and last time I had my hair played with, my cat was trying to hide a toy in it. Hey, boyfriend, where are you?

8. So I don’t have to worry about finding someone to kiss on New Years. It’s December 31, I’m wearing something uncharacteristically sparkly, and for once my winged liner is on point. 10:30pm: I’m on top of my game, slinking around, sizing up my prey, sipping my cocktail, laughing with my girlfriends, and avoiding the guy giving me the creepy eyes from across the room. 11:00: I’m a few drinks in, I think that well dressed man is checking out my outfit. 11:30: No, he wasn’t checking out my outfit. He wants to borrow my heels. Bye. 11:50: More drinks. That’s odd, my friends are splintering off with their new man friends. 11:55: Where is that guy with the creepy eyes?! 11:58: My friends are already making out. What? It’s not even midnight! 11:59: Oh, there’s Creepy Eyes, with with his tongue halfway down my friend’s throat. Traitor. 12:01: Well, glad that’s over. Kissing the hottest guy in the room next year is my new resolution… again.

9. So I have someone to do the chores that I’m perfectly capable of doing, but just don’t want to. I can put up drywall, hang shelves, paint ceilings, mow the lawn, assemble furniture, change a tire, open a pickle jar, and safely remove spiders from the house… but sometimes I just don’t want to. Forget man’s work and woman’s work, I just want to share the work. Plus, a guy all sweaty after he just drilled shelves into the wall? Me-ow. How about drilling me into the wall, if you know what I’m sayin’…

10. So that I don’t have to suffer through anymore inappropriate online dating advances. I’ve been on a few good online dates, but most of my encounters are ridiculous messages turned into screenshots sent in that group text with my best friends. Or how about that guy on New Years trying to borrow my heels? Yes, these advances make great blog posts, but wouldn’t it be nice to get dressed up with my sexy man, laugh over some drinks after a tough day, and then return home so he can unzip me just as easily as he zipped me up that morning? I love being single, but sometimes having a built in back scratching, spider catching, event-going, make out partner would simply make my life so much easier.

#thebad #startingover #independence