To Say Or Not To Say - Creating An Online Dating Profile
- Apr 28, 2015
- 4 min read
Now that I’m officially Ungaged, it is time to get back into dating. I’d start by making an online profile. But how?
Shit. Now what do I do?
I had found my dream guy; tall, handsome, scruffy. He worked with his hands and could fix anything. He was social, hard working, affectionate. And those shoulders. Oh, those shoulders. He even had a good Italian last name. AND he could cook. When he first started to woo me, he would bring delicious home cooked food to my work. Screw my inner goddess- my inner fatty never stood a chance. But you know, there’s a reason they call him the man of your dreams, and not the man of your reality. Obviously, that type wasn’t working out for me.
Now that I’d officially declared that I’m Ungaged, it was time to find a new type. I needed to explore new options. I needed to meet guys with different backgrounds, interests, and experiences. Maybe I didn’t need someone who had a 5 o’clock shadow by noon or who could lift up the hood of the car and say, “yup, it’s the tranny.” Maybe I’d be better off with a guy who wears a tie to work or who doesn’t even own a car. Maybe he bikes to work everyday or takes the train. Maybe he barely speaks English or will prefer his tomato sauce with carrots. Truthfully, as long as he’s not a lying shit head, none of that other stuff really matters and it was time to explore. I wanted to meet all kinds of guys, like sampling flavors at Ben & Jerry’s. I want to try them all. Horizons, prepare to be broadened.
But, lest we not forget, I moved home to my parents’ house, in a suburban town, with lots of new families. Do you know what new families mean? Married men. With babies. And wives. The horizons are narrowing. Then it hits me. Hello! Online Dating! There is an endless amount of eligible men online! I’m attractive, I have a job, I’m fun. This is going to be exactly what I need! And now, to make a profile…
First, I needed to choose the right picture. Almost all of my recent photos feature me wearing a big ‘ol diamond ring (I wasn’t exactly shy about showing it off) and if you can’t see the ring on my hand, you can definitely see the fiancé on my arm. Shit. Ok, I choose a picture of me with one of my best friends after our first half marathon; athletic, determined, in the best shape of my life. Done. I choose another one, a selfie. I’m hanging out in my kitchen, relaxed, but still cute, the girl next door. Awesome. Can I choose another selfie? Is that weird? Will I look like I have no friends if I have too many selfies? Online dating is already complicated and I haven’t even hit submit. I go with a picture of me dancing with my grandmother at big sister’s wedding; family oriented, fun, big smile, cute dress, boobs look great. Great. Then there’s a picture of me petting a goat. Perfect! I love animals! Hold on. Will this attract guys with a goat fetish? I pass on the goat picture. I’m running out of options. Thank the Lord for smartphone picture apps with filters. I strategically prop my phone up on my dresser, set the filter to black and white, look to the side, pretend I’m laughing at my friend in the distance, and voilà: laid back, a little sexy, casual. Camera? What camera? I didn’t even know that camera was there! Perfect.
I move on to the profile.
About me:
The truth: I’m 28 years old, recently out of an engagement, I’m an English teacher, I run the drama club, I’m a huge Shakespeare nerd, I live with my parents, I'm a big eater, and I have two cats.
Wow. Just wow. Even I wouldn’t date that shit. Come on, girl. You can do better than that. You’re a writer, get creative! Delete. Start over.
Crafty answer: Runner, fighter, lover, eater, baker, teacher, life enthusiast! I’m happy, hungry, and looking for good company. (See, now I’m active, stable, witty, passionate… and looking for food. A man needs to know what kind of appetite he’s getting himself into).
Did you notice I left the kitties out? Listen, I love that I adopted baby brother kittens, Bo and Samson, but to most guys, cats are like a gigantic red flag flapping in the wind. But, you know the rule: love me, love my cats. And if you’re allergic, then take a damn allergy pill because the cats were here first. Just, maybe I don’t necessarily want to lead with that.
Next question.
What is your favorite movie, music, TV shows, books, food?
Would you like my credit card information and Social Security number too? How about my bra size? Shoe size?!
What are you doing on a typical Friday night?
The truth: I’m in my pjs by 5:00, watching Jeopardy at 7:00 and probably snoring on the couch by 9:00. (Don’t judge me. Most of you probably just laughed because you do the same thing.)
Crafty answer: Either sipping a martini with dinner, drinking a beer with some friends, or passed out on the couch. Depends on what kind of week it was.
What do you spend a lot of time thinking about?
How to answer these questions without sounding like an English teacher wearing a cable knit sweater surrounded by 800 cats.
You should message me if:
The truth: If you’re not an asshole and you’re not going to cheat on me or steal my money to support your drug habit. (No? Too much?)
Crafty answer: If you want to. Hey, life is short! Oh, and if you are not a liar. I don’t do liars. (It’s basically the same answer.)
Now I’m starting to get the hang of this! Next question.
What are you looking for in a match?
…
Good question. Next?
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