Too Much, Steve!
- Mar 16, 2016
- 5 min read
With some guys it’s too little too late, with this guy it was way too much, way too soon.
“I didn’t realize how late it is, Steve! I’ve got to get going.”
“Oh, no problem, hun. I understand.” “Haha, yeah. I’m such an old lady. I’ve got to get to bed early!” “You’re so funny! I love you!”
The fuck did he just say?
Cue me internally booking it to my little Civic in a full sprint yelling, “SANCTUARY!” while somehow externally maintaining my complete composure.
You may be thinking that somehow, after my Valentine’s Day run in with the cops, I was actually able to snag myself a relationship. But do not be fooled, my friends. We’re talking about the second date. The SECOND date. As in, just one date after the first. So, let’s see how it all began, shall we?
It started as it always does, with a bunch of swiping. Left. Left. Left. LEFT. Left. Definitely Left. Left. And then, oh, hello Steve.
Remember, I was still on a mission to date outside of my typical type, and so far I had been somewhat successful, with the exception that they all had nice shoulders – what can I say, one can only sacrifice so much. But when I came across Steve, of course I saw shoulders, but he was also a blond haired, blue eyed, tall (like 6’6 tall), white button downed, radiologist. We’re talking the super all American, white bread, works with cancer patients type. Is that even a type? It is now and it was Steve.
His profile pictures were of him on the beach, him with his family, him with his dog, and him with someone I expected was an ex cropped out of the picture. It’s cool, that’s no big deal. I had to crop my engagement ring out of a few pictures – don’t underestimate the skill in that, it is difficult to crop out a ring while making sure it looks like you have both hands still attached. It didn’t take long for us to book our first date.
We were supposed to get sushi.
Can we talk about sushi on the first date for a hot second? This confuses me. People swear it’s the best first date food because you can eat it slowly without it getting cold and it’s not overly filling. But me? I image trying not to laugh with a mouth full of potentially projectile rice and fish. And wasabi and soy sauce breath? Yeah, guys. Sounds great.
As luck would have it, we got to the sushi place and it was closed. Dodged that one! As we walked up the street packed with other restaurants, I was able to really survey the sheer size of Steve. Woo wee, he really was tall, and those shoulders. Yes. YES. But most importantly, he was so kind. He had such a cool, calm presence, and the depth of his voice made him seem grounded and stable. He was the equivalent of a deep tissue massage… on a beach… with a delicious cocktail… and maybe a long slow pull off a really fat blunt. But he was probably way too clean cut for that. Second date was booked before we left the restaurant.
Steve conveniently lived right down the street from me, so I actually picked him up for our second date.
“Wait,” you may be asking, “If he’s so cool and smooth, why didn’t he pick you up instead?” Let me direct your attention to the time Batman came to pick me up and met my dad in the driveway. The man was so awkward that he didn’t even introduce himself. Batman thought he was the gardener! I wasn’t ready to relive anything about that experience. Or how about the time my dad tried to set me up with the married ER doctor? No, no. I was happy to avoid having Cool Steve meet my parents on date number two. It was way too soon for that kind of thing, right?
But cool and smooth is not how I would describe this date.
“So, tell me more about you,” he started. Usually, an easy enough question, but now, things were way different.
“Where do you live?” With my parents.
“What do you do for a living?” I don’t. I’m unemployed.
“Well, what kind of job are you looking for?” I don’t know yet…
“My dog is awesome, do you have pets?” I have cats. Two cats.
Instead of having good, confident answers, I was fumbling over my words, backtracking, and trying to make having no job and living with my parents sound really awesome. His response?
“Well, at least you’re pretty!”
Hey! I’m more than that! I’m smart! I’m driven! I’m accomplished! And now I’m sweating.
Then, he asked me about my last relationship. Oh no. No, no, I was not going there and tacking that on to my crappy dating status. I sidestepped, dodged that question, and spun it around back on him. A mistake, I assure you. Remember that girl cropped out of his profile pictures? Yeah, well she was not too far in his past, and was clearly still on his mind.
He started calling me “babe” and “hun.” He tried to hold my hand. It was like bringing her up made Cool Steve revert back to the casual routine of his last girlfriend. Things were way too comfortable, way too soon. I guess that calm, coolness was him behaving as if we had already established a relationship… which we hadn’t. Come on, really?! This one had such potential! Damn it!
Then again, maybe he was just sweet and nice. Maybe he was just comfortable with me. Maybe he thought about his ex because things ended amicably. Maybe he wasn’t still hung up on her. Maybe he really liked me and was able to overlook my shortcomings… and maybe he was ignoring them to replace her memory with the pretty and convenient girl from down the street. Damn it. I needed to go home.
“I didn’t realize how late it is, Steve! I’ve got to get going.” “Oh, no problem, hun. I understand.” “Haha, yeah. I’m such an old lady. I’ve got to get to bed early!” “You’re so funny! I love you!”
AAAAAND we’re done here. It was too much, too soon. I don’t want to be filling a void left by an ex. I don’t want to be thought of as a girl who’s lucky she’s pretty. Sure, he was clean cut and all American. But he wasn’t ready to really be open to dating someone who wasn’t the girl he cut out of his pictures, and I wasn’t about to be some Photoshopped replacement.
With all the different kinds of men I dated, would I ever find my new type? Was there a new type? Would I ever find what I was looking for? Did I even know what I was looking for?! I guess you’ll have to keep reading to find out…
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