Shweaty Braces Strikes Out

Sure, we’re not always on our A game when we meet a date, but this guest blogger has a bad date story that wasn’t even a date yet!

"After a martini in, a guy walks in that looks quite familiar. Bam! I realize that he is one of my suitors from OkStupid.

I have been talking to an array of guys from OkCupid and still have not taken the plunge to meet anyone. From the cock shots, to the “Dominants” profile, the uber-intellectual, the young 20 something year-olds with no game, the older stubborn set-in-their-ways men, to the ghosters …the ones that seem normal but disappear, I am perturbed. So, on a Friday night, on a whim, I go out to happy hour with two of my girlfriends from my community. After a martini in, a guy walks in that looks quite familiar. Bam! I realize that he is one of my suitors from OkStupid, a 29 year old social-type worker that lives literally around the corner.

He sees me, I see him and he smiles and comes over to hug me. I hug this 6 foot tall behemoth. Actually, he wasn’t large, just tall and SWEATY. He hugged me and the saturation on his arms, face, and shirt actually slathered a big wet film onto my skin in one big wet body kiss. After this exchange of his bodily juices, he says, “Sorry, I am a sweaty from working out.”

Hey, isn’t that what a shower is for, especially before you go to the bar, bud?

STRIKE 1.

Later on, after my girlfriends and I had dinner, I passed him on my way to the bathroom… the time did him good. He was able to cool off and wipe the sweat from his brow, so to speak. He stops me on the way and says,

“You’re so tan, what color are your eyes?”

Ummm…you are staring right at them buddy. Really, this is all you got?

“So, what car do you drive?”

And why does that matter? You want to sweat all over my seats?

As he opens his mouth again and says, “You look better than your pictures” which is flattering, it was as if his mouth was opening in slow motion, for it was then, when looking into his gorge, that I saw his… man braces. He had braces with the little colored rubber bands on the sides, at 29.

Hmmmm, all these thoughts ran through my head. Why so late in life? I felt like a teenager, like he was a teenager. How do you kiss with those things? Can your tongue get caught? What about the rubber bands, how hygienic is that? Either your tongue can get twisted around one of those things like a boomerang or leftover remnants of chewed up dinner will get transferred onto your tongue in the process. You gotta really love someone to share that kind of a crunch, I mean brunch. It was then that I realized, I couldn’t ask him about his braces nor did he offer any ending date and now I had become a bit sickened, perplexed, and disturbed.

STRIKE 2.

I resumed eating, well, after my ever rampant mind fixated on those braces, I resumed drinking instead. Soon, my phone went off and he texted me and asked if I was still outside. I said that I was, since I was with my friends, and asked him why? Did he want to buy me a drink, isn’t that what a gentleman does, but as I am realizing, most of these young dudes don’t carry the chivalry gene. He says, “It depends.”

It depends????

On what? I ask him.

He says that he will buy me drink IF I stay with him! What the fuck kind of shit is that? He says that he will walk me home. OK, one, we didn’t even have a date and I came with my girlfriends . Two, there is no ultimatum when getting someone a drink. Three, I didn’t even know him and for all I know he could be like the guy in American Psycho and instead of using an ice pick, he’ll just kill me, and dismember me using his man braces.

Needless to say, I walked home with my girlfriends.

STRIKE 3.

Maybe it would’ve been a home-run if he had these moves.

Now at home, 10 minutes later and bam, another text, “I wish you would have stayed with me. Do you think I am sexy?”

Oh please, brace me!

Yeah, you and your shweaty braces can go sweat it out in the dugout!

I can buy my own drink, please.

~MK

#onlinedating #thehideous