Driving Adonis

Because sometimes the gods tempt you with a delicious man, and you do everything in your power to stay cool.

Hot men make me stupid. Call me weak, call me frail, call me a disgrace to the female empowerment movement... but what can I say? I know that in the presence of a delicious man, I can't seem to keep my shit together. Bye bye, will power. See ya later, smarts. Adios, quick witted comebacks. And hello drooling down my chin. At least that's how it feels. And because I know this about myself, I try my damnedest when around said delicious man to gather up every teeny bit of my composure and hold it together until I'm clearly in the safety of my own giggly company.

Enter Adonis.

Yes. Actual Adonis. As in the Greek God, Adonis.

I was still happily on a break from dating and thinking I was totally in a clear from any and all encounters with the male species. But, I worked with the most intimidatingly handsome man in the history (and ancient history) of handsome men. Hence, Adonis. His jaw was chiseled from the finest marble, his hair was perfectly seasoned waves of salt and pepper, his eyes were piercing blue. He was beautiful. And his wife was equally beautiful.

He was plenty of years older than me and married, so clearly this was not a dating prospect, and thankfully, we worked in different departments, so I didn't encounter him all too often. But woo wee, whenever I had to speak to him about professional matters, I'd hear my voice come out confident and sure, while my little inside voice was crying out, KEEP IT TOGETHER. GIRL! KEEP IT TOGETHER! My feet would be planted on the floor, but only because they were heavy stones, scared to move to reveal that my knees had completely forsaken me. Then, he would leave the room, and I, confidently and surely, would turn into a puddle of mush on the floor. I was hypnotized by this man. And damn it! It wasn't fair!

So, there I was minding my own Friday afternoon business. I had finished up my work early, so as soon as quittin' time came, I was out of there. As the minute hand slowly ticked toward freedom o'clock, I slipped into my jacket, wrapped myself in my scarf, gathered my bags, and with keys in hand, headed toward the door. I made it very clear that I was going home, so just in case I ran into my boss, he wouldn't ask me to do him any quick (read: hour long) favors. Ha HA! Sucker. What a good plan.

"Bye, Jill!" I popped my head quickly into her room to loudly announce my departure.

"See you Monday, Kyle!" I waved as I passed another friend's room.

"Call me tomorrow, G, and let me know how your meeting went!" meaning yes, I was interested, but not right now. Halfway down the hallway, with the exit in sight, I turned from G's door, and there in front of me, like a manly monolith of dreamy smiles and dirty thoughts, stood Adonis.

"Hi, Michele." "Oh. Hi."

"Hey - which direction to go home?" "Um, oh," I don't know! I'm not a fucking boy scout! "I go right on the highway." "Perfect. Do you think you could drop me off at my car? Are you on your way out?"

I mean, obviously the answer was yes, I'd only been announcing it like the village herald for half a hallway. Did I hear my boss calling me? Didn't he need me to do him a quick (read: PLEASE) favor? Nope. No boss in sight.

"Sure. No problem." "Great! Let me go get my stuff."

Alone in the hallway, starting to feel a little warm bundled in my scarf, I blinked to myself a few times. Ok, no worries. We'll walk quickly down the hallway, bolt to the car, and I'll speed on down the highway to the shop. I'll barely even stop to let him out, TUCK AND ROLL, ADONIS. Then it'll all be over.

"Ready, Michele?" "You bet!" Let the mad dash begin.

"Hey, slow down a bit? I pulled my groin this weekend and can't walk that fast." Of course he did. And no, do not ask him if he needs it massaged.

I never remembered that hallway being so long. Or empty. Nobody to happily distract us. Nobody to help a sister out. Nobody to witness that I was accompanying the likeness of a god down the hallway! And of course, being new, I was parked as far away from the building as humanly possible. I was parked with the equipment trucks, for goodness sake. But I saw it, like a spec of gun metal dust, with good mileage and a smashed bumper, my little Civic. Today, my practical Honda would be the chariot to the gods.

Oh god. The last place I took my car was home from the park, packed with sweaty bodies and a dog. Buy time, BUY TIME.

"Do you want me to go get the car and come pick you up? I don't want you to hurt your (crotch) leg."

"No, that's ok," he smiled, "it's good to stretch it out." And so, as the wounded hero journeyed across the parking lot, I wondered if anyone was watching. Was anybody watching? Come on! Where are the old biddies who seem to see everything and then spread the gossip? Because damn it, Adonis getting into my car and the two of us driving off together, was one rumor I wouldn't mind being spread.

He barely fit in my car. Apparently, as much as I enjoy a man with broad shoulders, my little Civic did not. And thankfully, it didn't smell like a locker room, though I cracked the windows just in case. With his knees about grazing his Herculean chin, he noticed the soccer ball in my backseat. Just like that, Chatty Charlie started telling me all about his old college and semi-pro soccer days, to which I nodded and droned empty, "uh huh's" and "oh wow's". I was busy chronicling Driver's Ed and focusing my hands on 10 & 2 and making sure to fully S-T-O-P at all the stop signs. Plus, I already knew about his old soccer days. So did all the other women at work. Because, Google.

"This is it. Turn in here."

Now watch me whip, and into the parking lot we went.

"Alright, here you are." "Thanks, Michele. I owe you one." "Don't mention it." (Meaning: no, really. You don't. I don't ever want to be one-on-one with you ever again. You are too intimidatingly handsome.)

Oh, but of course, there was one other time when I, a mere mortal, was all alone with Adonis in that same hallway, with no witnesses, no help, and no gossiping biddies! It was during the World Cup and I was proudly wearing my Brazil shirt (and if you watched that World Cup, you'd know I shouldn't have been too proud. Hubris, the downfall of the heroes.) I turned the hallway corner, and there like an stone idol sculpted upon a pedestal, stood Adonis sporting his own Greek pride. All five foot six of me shrunk in his presence to about three inches tall.

"Hey!" he boomed down the hallway observing my Brazilian jersey. "Take that shirt off right now!"

The fuck you say?!

"Ha," he laughed shyly. "I did not mean that." I smiled, "Don't mention it." (Meaning: no, really. Do not ever mention me taking my shirt off in a hallway all alone with you ever again. Because I just might do it.)

But seriously. CAN I GET A WITNESS?!?

#thebad