6 Steps For Getting The F@#& Over It

Sometimes you need a little tough love about picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting the f@#& over a breakup.

Can I get real for a hot second? Can we trudge through the shit storm for just a minute - because really, who wants to be in a shit storm any longer than a minute? Because it's time. It's got to be done. Ladies and gentlemen, we need to have a serious talk about getting the fuck over a breakup already.

Fine. The first few days are full of guilty pleasures - wine, ice cream, salty snacks, whatever. Next, you get angry, you work on that revenge body, and you hit the gym like a hurricane. Then, you feel good, you feel normal again, you're totally over this thing. But suddenly, WHAM. You're crying in the shower uncontrollably, glad the sound of the water is drowning out your whaling. (Don't lie. You've been there.) Look, it happens. Breakups knock you on your ass. But the truth is, eventually you've got to get out of the shower - unless you want to be a permanent prune. And you can't spend the next few months sobbing over your laptop at work. As my dad would say, you've got to rub some dirt on it and get back in the game.

But how, Michele? How do we rub dirt on it??

I'm glad you asked. Now, I'll be honest, I still get rocked by breakups, and I definitely don't have some magical answer. But, I do know what helps, what makes it easier. And really, who wants to drag out the hurt from a breakup any longer than needed? So let's get down and dirty with some stuff you can do to get the fuck over it already.

1. Let yourself off the hook

So you made a mistake. You missed the signs. Big deal. Get in a room of people and ask them who has never dated the wrong person and you'd quickly find out you are in good company. Cut the crap with I should've known better, and I wish I'd ended it when he did this, or I can't believe I let him do that. One of the best things I got from an ex was the saying, "Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster." You cannot change the past. You can't go back and undo your mistakes. BUT you can refuse to accept that kind of behavior in the future. Cut yourself a little slack. You are human after all.

2. Stop thinking you are defined by the situation You may have been through your own personal shit storm, but you're in the clear now. Having wounds does not make you damaged goods, it does not make you incapable of being loved, and it does not mean you can never open your heart again. It's easy to think you'll always be the girl who was lied to or made a fool, but you weren't that person before that breakup and you certainly aren't that person now. A crap situation is something you went though, which means you're out of it now, so put that umbrella down! You are defined by you, not by something that happened.

3. Remember the reality and forget the fantasy

Call me harsh, but I swear, every time a friends says, "but we had all these plans!" I want to punch them in the head. We all get stuck in the trap of romanticizing relationships after they're over, but forget what you expected, and imagine how it actually would have been. That's a hard thing to do! You know what else? If a friends says, "but he was so great in the beginning!" they're getting a karate chop to the throat. If you really want to get the eff over a breakup, you need to ground yourself in the reality of the situation. If he was a cheater, forget the amazing trip you had booked, if he lied to you, throw those dried roses out the damn window, and if you two just did not get along anymore, stop trying to figure out where it went wrong or what changed. Obviously there were good times and redeeming qualities, otherwise you wouldn't have dated in the first place. But go full out Ice Queen on those expectations and let it go.

4. Gather the squad

Group chat - assemble! Because seriously, how tempting is it to go right back into your routine and text your ex? And seriously, how terrible of an idea is that?! Part of breaking up is getting used to a new routine, so if your fingers are itching to text that guy you know you darn tootin' shouldn't be texting, message your girls instead. Heck, tell them you want to text the guy - they will be sure to convince you otherwise in what will be none too nice of words. And, for their sake, work on getting over this break up soon, or they too will want to punch you in the head.

5. Change the language you use to speak to yourself

By far, one of the most valuable things you can do - break up or not - is to speak kindly to yourself. Each time you say, even in your own mind, "I'm worthless," "I'm damaged goods," "I ruin everything," or "I'll never be loved," it becomes more true. Sure, you're allowed to have a crap day when you just don't feel your best. But, your thoughts manifest into your realities, and you'll begin to feel and act as if these statements were facts. And if this is the consistent language you use to talk about yourself to others, they soon will see you that way as well. Exchange the shit language for, "I'm in a much better place now," "I deserve better," "I made a mistake, and it's OK," and of course...

6. Forgive yourself

Yup. The most important thing to do can also be the hardest. Sometimes in a relationship, you make unavoidable mistakes that you had to make in order to realize that you needed a better situation. Forgive yourself for the mistake, and acknowledge why it was made. Don't be shy about this one, either. Be deliberate. Look at yourself in the mirror, I mean really lock eyes with you, and tell yourself that you forgive yourself. So, I wouldn't recommend doing this at, say, the gym, but whenever you're feeling that twinge of shoulda, woulda, coulda, look yourself square in the eye and forgive. It doesn't matter how anyone else judges your status or how they feel about why the breakup happened. Frankly, it's none of their damn business. If you can forgive yourself, you can begin to move on. And when you begin to move on, you can get the fuck over it already!

#startingover #independence